When depression hits.

Why have I have I found it impossible to write recently? I really haven’t written an entry since last November when my production of A Chorus Line closed. I think I have the answer. I can’t write when I’m depressed. The time in my life when I should have been writing the most, I couldn’t find the courage to let my life play out in text. I couldn’t do anything really. I would lay in my bed and feel worthless. I wasn’t eating right. I wasn’t exercising regularly and I was easily irritated. I would burst out in tears for no apparent reason. I didn’t know what to do or who to turn to. 

I have gone from show to show without stopping since I graduated college…until now. I joined Actor’s Equity Association, the union for actors, during my contract with A Chorus Line. I learned quickly that I didn’t know what I was getting myself into. Show business has changed drastically since I was a kid studying theatre. Quite frankly, the world I thought I was going to be a part of doesn’t exist. There is very little work for union actors, especially outside of NYC. My friends and I were all at an audition for the most recent revival of La Cage Aux Folles and we just looked down, very down. We knew that none of us were going to get this show whether we made it to the end or not. We looked at each other and someone finally said, “What are we doing?” A conversation exploded and all of that pent-up anxiety burst forth. We all agreed that the business was suffering, the economy sucked, the price of living in NYC was up, and our union seemed to be powerless. I was angry. I was furious because I felt like I was being kept from doing what I love the most, singing, dancing, and telling a story. The next week I went to Equity’s national membership meeting to listen to the candidates running for office. I’ve never heard such bullshit in my life. No one seemed to know or understand what was really happening out in the trenches (auditions.) No one seemed to see work slipping away to non-union actors. No one seemed to care. At the end of the meeting members are allowed to speak for two minutes. I almost leapt to my feet at the chance to share the experience of my peers. They. Were. Shocked. How could they be shocked?! They really had no clue. I ended my speech with “I would love to say that I’m a proud Equity member, but I don’t know how.” There was applause and I suddenly found myself surrounded by committee chairs asking me and my peers to join the committee. The president of the union offered to have a private meeting and I later took him up on this offer. The meeting with him was less than stellar considering his generation was able to buy houses and raise families with the salaries they were making. Very few of us can do that now. 

That was the main part of my depression. I felt like suddenly I didn’t have a future in the career that I had chosen. Broadway seemed further away than ever. I hadn’t saved enough money from my tour with CATS and it quickly disappeared because I couldn’t find work. I was finally forced to take a “survival” job. I became what most actors become… a waiter.

I was getting desperate to find a job because I was not going to be able to pay my rent, which is absurdly high for the amount of space I have. I completely fabricated a resume because I had very few jobs outside of theatre and I certainly never had a waiting job. I finally had an interview at Hillstone Restaurant on 54th and 3rd. Everyone seemed positive and smiled all the time! The interview process was intense, complete with an aptitude test, personality test, and talks with three managers. I was somehow hired and I was so excited to have money coming in!  I had two weeks of very hard training. The tests were insane and I have to admit that I had to cheat. Now, I can memorize scripts but I can not memorize the recipe for a 8 salad dressings! About half way through training I realized that there was only two new hires. The others who started had quit. I later wished I had done the same thing. For two months I was in absolute hell. I had never witness humans treat each other so poorly. I felt horrible for every one of my colleagues. The guests were rude, the managers were intolerable, and stress level couldn’t have been higher. I saw the managers fire people for absolutely no reason what-so-ever. One night after a drunk girl slapped the dishes out of my hand because I “cut her off” after we had been closed for 45 minutes, I cleaned my tables, took off my apron and told the manager that I will not be returning. I never felt so relieved. To be clear, I could handle the work, I couldn’t handle the mistreatment. I will never work in a restaurant again no matter how much money you make. Happiness and self-worth are far more important. 

I’ve since been struggling with multiple jobs. I sold merchandise at The Lion King and have an absolute blast working with that crew. I’m also obsessed with the show and try to sneak a peek at the show everyday. Not to mention, the boys in that show are beautiful and totally my type. :) At moments, when I was watching the show, I would just burst into tears because I wanted to be on that stage so bad. Any stage would do. I just wanted to do what I had been training to do and what I loved. I also worked as a cater-waiter with a company called Cutting Edge Elite. These guys are so much fun and very professional. They don’t pay as much as other companies but its a positive experience. None of this, however, pays enough money to survive in NYC. One day I paid my rent and had 4 dollars left to my name. That was it. 

Finally after 6 months of not getting a single show a friend called me to do a reading of a new musical called Rainbow Valley. It is apparently the 7th book in the Anne of Green Gables series. I quickly agreed although I would be getting no pay. Just a chance to perform in any capacity would make me happy. Soon after Rainbow Valley, the producer at Theatre by the Sea asked me to replace someone who had dropped out of Man of La Mancha. This is my 7th production at this theatre and I couldn’t wait to go back. It would be a vacation from the city that was eating me alive. Soon after I was offered Man of La Mancha, I was asked to star as the villain in the new, campy, gay musical called Parker and Dizzy’s Fabulous Journey to the End of the Rainbow for the New York Fringe Festival. There are some big names attached to it and I couldn’t be more excited to be a part of it. I also recently did some extra work for HBO’s hit show Boardwalk Empire. All of this work that suddenly came to me was very welcomed but… I get basically nothing monetarily. I’m just hoping this will help me move up the ladder of success. 

I didn’t realize that joining the union meant that I would be starting at the bottom. Now I know. There is no where to go but up.

That was just a brief update on the last 7 months. Don’t even get me started on relationships. That will be another blog entry! I’m just glad that I finally feel like I can write again. 

11 months ago  /  1 note